CATHARSIS OF THE DAY (07-25-09)

Why did I even call you and confessed about all my feelings inside? Why do I love you still? I should have stuck to my plan - to ignore you and pretend that you do not exist. It worked for 6months. And now after a hard and long ignorance it fell to this crap. I know I can't control this emotion anymore but I don't want to fall and be with you again. Ok, I can't avoid you because we study at the same building, but trust me, I will not be pulled by your string again.

EGO (U)

Yes, most of the time I prefer to be alone. I wanted to feel that no ones cares because I did not want to expect them all to be there - Once I am disappointed I will never learn to earn that trust back ever again.

Trust is a very important thing for me, for all of us. Yeah, they call me gullible and I felt pretty OK with it. So I trusted U. I felt very safe with that until you started to burn that trust apart. I know that I can never bring the past back though we want to. We can't all undo everything that we did. And we can not always think that way. We can not always blame the past for every mishap we had instead we have the present to correct all of it.

You chased me everywhere for a very long time. You sacrificed a lot. But do you remember when I was the one doing that? You took me for granted and I still continued doing so because... NO... I am not going to say it. People called me a fool, laughed at me and hurt my dignity. I was too blind to see what's going on right in front of me. Wait, I was acting blind. I did not give up but then I got tired.

Then came the other way around. U only realized my worth when I was gone, when I did not love U anymore. I felt pity, loneliness and desperation. Unfortunately, I gave in.

It was a mistake, yes indeed it was. But I do not regret it because I learned a lot from it. Pac said,"I know I'd die alone but yet still I'm hoping." We are not sure if we can still see tomorrow. If we can still correct all the mistakes we made.

So tell me how this will end. Tell me if this is how you want it to end. Because I never expected that you will be there for me until the end and I am glad that I didn't. I am so confused and all I want now is repentance. I want you to compromise. No this is not my pride I made a mistake too. So I will say it now, I am sorry.

I did everything, gave U everything and this is what I get.

"If you think you TRUST the person so much, make sure your body armor is fastened pretty tight in your body."

I will drop it and as a matter of fact I will forget U. No matter what and this is the last time that I will talk about you.

Goodbye-U.

TUSSLE

They say a 'picture is worth a thousand words' - I say it is a cliché. But nevertheless I still believe in that.

It is 3Am and until now I could not scrutinize the right word to use. I am puzzled. I am confused. Should I say it is "Picture Perfect"? There-the world stopped and I am looking straight in your eyes. At the back of my mind I wonder what you are thinking-right at this very moment. Is it ME , is it YOU or is it SOMEONE ELSE? Then I went on. If you were thinking of me then you would have answered my calls, my text messages and my e-mails. I slowly sunk in my pillow and bit my lips. I shouted underneath it so hard and I alone could hear it. Then I asked myself "Is she worth every single cut from the thorns along the path?" I did not want to answer that . So I stared at your picture again. Ahhhh- so fulfilling, charming and heart-warming. Despite your absence for the past 4 years, I still feel your warm touch, tasty lips and smooth cheeks.

Yes, 4 years. I thought of giving up and little by little I did. I did 'almost' everything I could to make you talk, move and love me again. Every single time you shun me down until you finally made me. All that is left for me to do is look at your picture which I carry with me everywhere. Every morning I greet you "Good Morning." I talked to you when I am alone and defenseless. You WERE my hero and that was about it.

I moved on, safe to say or have I? So I went on with my life and I could say you had.

Then unexpectedly you rang back. You said you do not want people to change. You do not want me to change. I did not reply immediately for evident reasons. Multiple questions kept flooding my mind and I did not want to think about it-YOU. But I could not help it! Why? Why only now? I can not say that I regretted because I was very willing to wait for you. But I still can not find a suitable answer for it. Saying I love you is never enough until you show it.

Should I or Should I not? So much for tussle between I and ME.

I love you but do I still should?

(not yet finished)